I'm going to go look for a job tomorrow

I sit here, nowhere

a place i was born in but

it has changed

and i am a stranger now, somewhere

i try

to recognize but i can't.

reading the news

getting upset at politics

planning a getaway

fighting the mother that invaded

my depression,

i want to be alone now -

i used to hate being alone! hated it, hated people

who liked solitude.

writing sometimes makes me feel better

sometimes.

Just sitting here

trying to write like bukowski and

i reread my stuff

at best it falls apart on read 4.

hank looked like he had moments when

he needed to write

shit i

emigrated from a communist country that doesn't exist anymore

didn't speak for 6 months

moved

my old man made me play

tennis, said i'd be rich

told me i had missed the bus, better

make the next one,

bus? i was 9

he beat my sister

every day, in my mother's womb

she ran out of oxygen, water broke

the mother kept her in there for a month

she survived

the father beat her, said she was overweight

she wasn't even, he'd strangle her and she'd make deep gurgling noises

fighting for oxygen.

i never got along with her because

she was too tough.

picked rocks for little money

listened to hate

i collaborated

was told i had to work harder

8 years

fractured something in my neck

my head hurt for 5

every day

in brazil i cried, the pain had gone away one morning

had run away

in the afternoon the pain was back

spent all my money on injections, treatments

had my teeth filed

MRIs

i'm forgetting a lot

moved to Europe they had refused to operate me in Canada, said it had nothing to do with

my pain

told me i needed a break

got operated in bruges the second time they put me to sleep

first time a blood sample came in, apparently wouldn't clot

was i taking any undisclosed medication?

yeah

they said i may have picked up TB in brazil

preventive medicine i accepted because it didn't make my stomach bleed like the vioxx

sure as hell wasn't gonna tell my doc

didn't know i wouldn't clot.

first surgery tore

had sex and drank with a friend who wouldn't move over at night when the surgery hurt

so much for friends

i know

got a second, i thought the doc wouldn't accept

i wouldn't have

a brutal reattachment, it hurts everyday

and now i'm back

i came to square one

like salmon, want that break but maybe i'm just here to hole up and die peacefully

went home to Canada on vacation

everything changed. best friend said he was in love

wanted to do coke, his girlfriend didn't like me i think

much emotions anyway, broke down, shaking

who the fuck plays board games on coke, no talking?

been shaking for a month now, on and off

i'm trying to run away for a rest but the pain is hard to run away from

and this place i was born in i don't know it

i don't know if the people who live here know it

they're all fucked up from looking at the world and realizing how different it is.